To mark my two year cancerversary in July this year I wrote a letter to my cancer reflecting on what it was like to live together and thinking about the future. As my cancer has recently decided to progress I thought I would put pen to paper again…
So you decided to wake up from your long sleep then. I wonder what you’ve been dreaming about all those months. Did I give you a nudge? Was it the episode of infection after my stent exchange operation? Did all those cytokines flying around my body jolt you awake? Or have you been waking up more insidiously over a few months, really quietly so that I didn’t notice at first and then bang, did you think it would be fun to give me a very hard tap on the shoulder, just to make sure I knew you were back?
Whatever it was that woke you up I do know about it now. The pain you are causing is horrible and I am not impressed. You are forcing my hand to have to resort to stronger and stronger analgesia, just to quieten your effects on my damaged body. When I sat in the Registrar’s Office at work and looked at the scan pictures my heart sank. There you were. Bold as brass. All over my abdomen. Filling my pelvis. Threatening to obstruct my large bowel. Sneakily hiding behind my left clavicle.
So here’s the thing. I’m not quite ready to let you take my life yet. I have a few more things I’d like to achieve. I want to look after a few more patients of my own. I want to finish my third book. There are so many people out there I would love to meet in real life. So I’m afraid I’m going to have to poison you again in the hope that we can shrink you a bit and send you back off to sleep. You are nothing without me, as when I die so do you, so please be obedient and let the drugs do their work on you. I know the time will come when you get your own way, but I’m not going to let that happen just yet.